Happy Holidays, 2003

A few people were complaining that they didn't get my usual electronic Christmas greetings this year, where I snarkily comment on the state of rampant consumerism in America. Unfortunately, the spirit didn't move me until yesterday:

I love Cracker Barrel! Mostly because they have "seat extenders", which are basically big pieces of plywood that they put on your chair if your butt is so enormous that a regular chair cannot contain it. But, while it's amusing and sad to watch 2000 pound families consume 3000 calorie breakfasts, the opportunity for mean-spirited social commentary doesn't stop there. The front of the restaraunt is a gift shop, where you can buy crappy crafts and candy. Lots of candy.

So, there's some family at the table next to mine with 8 or 10 little no-neck monsters (I couldn't get an exact count, because they kept running around and screaming) Anyway, the kids kept running back and forth between the gift shop and their parents, demanding money for more candy. Because, obviously, if you're an American you can't wait 10 minutes between when you order and when the waitress piles a bounty of pork products at your feet. No, as an American, you need breakfast candy!

My dining companion suggests that maybe the kids are getting candy before breakfast because it's Christmas.

I point out that every day is Christmas in America. You get up, watch Finding Nemo on the DVD player in your SUV on the way to Cracker Barrel, where your parents buy you candy so you don't get bored waiting for your bacon and country gravy. Then you'll drive next door to the mall and buy some more stuff, because it's on sale.

My dining companion suggests that maybe they are Jewish and celebrating Hanukkah, and that's why the kids get candy before breakfast after Christmas.

I point out that Hanukkah is celebrated after sunset.

And that's why Jews rule the world. They make their kids wait until after dinner to eat candy, even on holidays.