07.05.06
"It's A Computer! The Old Man In The Cave Is A Computer!"
By my count we actually watched 52 hours of the Sci-Fi channel's 68 hour Twilight Zone marathon.
Lessons learned:
1. The world will end around 1965, due to either
A. The atom bomb; or
B. The Earth falling into the sun. However:
C. If it seems like the world is ending, it's really just aliens messing with you, in order to turn neighbor against neighbor so that Humankind Will Destroy Itself. Additionally:
D. After the atomic apocalypse, the sole male survivor shall be a red-blooded American man, and the sole female survivor shall be a sexy Soviet woman. They will have to put aside their ideological differences and work together to repopulate the earth. (Variation: sexy Russian-accented space alien.)
2. If you land on an alien planet or asteroid that seems to be exactly like Earth, watch out! You're really in the zoo/dollhouse/terrarium of a giant alien race!
3. Both ventriloquist dummies and talking dolls are always evil and will steal your personality/kill you.
4. Airplanes that fly through Mysterious Clouds are capable of time travel.
5. Pursuing the American Dream of a high paying job as an Ad Agency Executive will result in misery, alcoholism and a shrewish wife. Trying to make a deal with Satan to improve things will only result in a horribly ironic fate. Try traveling back in time instead.
6. You'll only notice this after watching 75 or 100 episodes in a row, but Western New York falls squarely in the middle of the Twilight Zone. All airplanes are either departing from or destined for Buffalo. People desperately try to get enough gas to make it to Syracuse. Above ad execs always grew up in Utica or Elmira. An entire episode is set at the bus station in Cortland. It could be because Rod Serling grew up in Binghamton; but, speaking from experience, I think that Western NY is just a giant vortex of weirdness.
7. The Sci-Fi channel's marketing department has a pretty specific target audience in mind. Commercials shown in constant rotation over the weekend:
A. Pizza Hut
B. Burger King's new Gigantic Meat Towers
C. Bowflex Home Gym
D. Enzyte Penis Enlargement System
E. Competing penis-enlarging pills
F. NutriSystem For Men
G. Proactive Acne Treatment.
So, pretty much, tubby guys with acne and penis-size issues. You'd think that Sci-Fi fans would want to improve their image.
Plus the messages of all of the commercials pretty much run together- i.e. NutriSystem For Men: "Eat this sloppy joe! It will make your Penis HUGE!"
Past Articles:
"It's a Computer! The Old Man in the Cave is a Computer!"
Heh. You Said "Boner"
Roadside Attractions, Corporate Propaganda, and Delicious Bacon
Slacktacular!
Molly: Flogged
Hooray for Bollywood
Beer. Also: Beer
Yee-Haw!
What's the Word? Thunderbird.
Noble Effort Results in Ugliest Statue Ever
Lower-upper-middlebrow,
Or: Consider your class-consciousness raised
Holiday Greetings, 2004
Rochester: A City of Quality
Satan
Will Tempt You. With Bacon!
Internal Dialogue
Paying
for the privilege of reliving a painful adolescence
Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
Fleet Week
We're
talking about Beef O'Brady's®!
Donuts Be My Destiny
Wal-Mart: Delight in the Misery of Others
Holiday Greetings, 2003
Chinese or Korean?
9/11/02:
Contenders for Most Tasteless