08.31.04
Satan Will Tempt You. With Bacon!

I went to the Super Wal-Mart last weekend. I had never been to one before. It was kind of interesting. A one-stop shopping extravaganza for tube socks and meat.

At first it seemed cheap, yet excessive. Did people really need to choose from 50 varieties of Swanson TV Dinners? Was there really a difference between Meatloaf and Gravy, Ground Steak and Gravy, and Salisbury Steak? Wasn’t all just going to come out of the microwave gray and salty anyway?

They also had economy-sized cans of things. I suggested one might make a thoughtful gift for Mikie’s new roommate. Maybe the White Hominy/Sémola de Maíz Blanca. I pointed out that it was both quite good and muy bueno. Also it was only $1.83 for a 96 oz can, which was way cheaper than it would be at Wegmans, if they sold it there, which they don’t.

Then, I walked around the corner and was confronted by a wall-sized freezer case full of gallon tubs of blood clot ice cream. Turns out it's actually raspberry vanilla swirl, but the red dye was so dazzling, it looked like someone had been performing abortions in the dairy case.

It was at about this point that I started waving my arms around and yelling about third-world refugees and people from the 19th century and thousands of years of progress towards people being able to buy cheap processed food and shoddily-made clothing at the same time.

I stopped when something caught my eye. Instant Grits. Individual packets of instant grits. Variety pack individual packets of instant grits. Original, Homestyle Butter, Real Cheddar Cheese… and New Country Bacon!

***

I pictured myself at work the next morning, everyone else is eating their oatmeal or drinking their coffee. When all of a sudden…

“Say, something smells like Real Country Bacon!”

“Oh no, that would be impossible. No one could make Real County Bacon here at the office!”

“Oh,” I would say casually “that’s just my individual packet of Country Bacon Grits. Yeah, it comes in the variety pack.”

***

Anyway. Nobody will notice that you’re eating something bacon-scented. Also, when you look closely, it says right on the box that it’s not real bacon, but actually little soy-protein flecks with “natural bacon flavoring”. It doesn’t say that they stick in your teeth all day.

So, it’s totally not worth it to sell your soul for a box of grits. Even the variety pack.